Oh my god, I’m back again (BSB ref)

It’s been a day.  Probably first world problems but, its been a day none the less. An OFFICIAL 30 day notice had to be served to my roommates today.  What is really sad about that, is that my good friend is responsible for it.  He allowed himself to not being able to pay his bills at 35.  He and his gf pretty much live for free.  They pay me “when they can.”

Their first notice came a few months ago when I said end of May. Here it is May 10th, and I was told the apartment was done.  Taken care of. Come to find out, that was a lie told by my good friend, and they have nothing. When my good friend admitted the money to go to the apartment was spent, the notice came out. I had thinking about it all day which in turn, effected my work.  I was behind all day and thankful that I had another person with me today to help.

Nothing was really said.  I said “here is the notice” and explained why.  “Ok.”  I am becoming someone different.  At first I was told it was a bad thing, but I feel more empowered.  Not in a feminist garbage crap way. Just, finally a sense of who I am.  I want to feel stronger and independent for no one else but me.  If everyone I know chooses to go along for this ride, you are welcome to join me.  If not, I will keep living.  I still have a job to do, house to keep up with, bills to pay. Some people I know, live the free and easy life.

My life has never been free and easy so, hopefully doing things the hard way will be a good push for them to better themselves. I hope I am not wrong and lose a friend of 16 years but, there comes a time in your life when you HAVE TO focus on what is best for YOU.  Now is that time.  I need the house quiet.  I need credit to build on, a trip to Japan to plan, and animals to take care of.  2nd job, here I come.

Not that I am thrilled to be taking on a part time job, I just wish I didn’t have to. At this point, I have set my standards of living set so high, without roommates, I am not sure how we will get by. Love is talking about bringing his younger brother out here.  While I am open to the idea, my biggest fear is that I will have to be a mother to him.  He’s 18 and I remember dating a 19 year old when I was 23. That did not turn out well.

Yobro ( nickname for Loves little bro,) seems to have his shit together well enough for an 18 year old but, it makes me nervous the idea of housing an 18 year old in Las Vegas. I am not opposed to at least meeting him and hosting him for a week or two. I dunno… My anxiety level is so high over everything right now, I am just in a constant state.

The need to merge has fallen upon me. Anyone who says they have sex regularly in a long term relationnship is either lying, or very lucky. At some point I became annoyed with sex as it was expected, all the time. Now that I am lucky enough to get it once a month, I miss it.  I miss the intimacy and affection. The feeling of being wanted.  Hopefully I get some tonight because I am horny as hell and want to feel loved.

That’s all for now I suppose.. Just a brain dump.

been awhile…

Well hello anxiety my old friend.  I would offer you a drink but I don’t really want you to stay. So instead of listening to my crazy thoughts, I thought I would have some fun with them and throw on some Lady Gaga, and see what happens.

So currently,  I am out of wine and am used to having a few glasses a night. For the past  5 years.  I admit to being an addict. My problem is when I indulge, I over do it. Dance, sex, rocks, all to just forget about being in the real world.  Fortunately I have chilled out over the past 3 years.

Being with a destructive, verbally and mentally abusive partner for 7 years really changes a person.  You either see it and get out safely with maybe a few hiccups here and there, or you get out the bad way. I had to get out the bad way.  He was a demon living in the little heaven I had created.  Always slithering around trying to manipulate those around him.  Including me. He was attached at my hip at all times. Everywhere I went, he had to go and everywhere he went, I was obligated to go. Every text that came in, he had to know who it was and playfully want to see what it said.

When I started to complain that I was paying all the bills because he wasn’t working, he told me it would all be ok,  That he “had something in the works and that he would be working soon.”  And I believed him. Every…time. 7 years of, “I’ll be working soon.  I’ll kick the drug habit.” Blah Blah Blah.  He was an addict.  I wasn’t. But here I am 3 years later with an alcohol addiction because A. My FAMILY is an alcoholic,and B.  If I didn’t drink with him or his psycho piece of shit sister, I was excluded.  They would spend all day drinking and smoking meth, while I worked and took care of the household.  No I did not smoke meth with them.

As a matter of fact,  reflecting on things, he was never sober the entire 7 years we dated. It started with weed (but everyone smokes that,) alcohol, mescaline, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms, meth, cocaine, and where it all cycled back to, alcohol.  The drinking is was out of control for him. He and his sister would fight so hard, doors were broken and fists were flung. I always just stood in the corner in fear. The first time he put his hands on me was during a fight with his sister.

They were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs on the back patio at 2am.  I was desperatley trying to get them to go inside before someone called the cops. He was in her face ready to hit her and fooshily stepped in. He did not hit me but he grabbed me and threw me into the wall.  Stunned, I didn’t say anything.  I just stood there and let him deal with her. The next morning, he was making breakfast and had gone to get flowers.  And when he bedded me, it was on his terms.  Whether I wanted it or not.

Now imagine that manipulation on repeat every month or so. The final straw was when he decided to move out of state.  He chose to leave me and wanted me to give up everything I made for myself.  I refused.  He left anyway and I felt finally free.  I attempted the long distance thing way more than he did.  The day he left, was the day I realized what had been happening to me for the past several years.

Party city.  I was at the bar all the time with my friends. Getting smashed and singing karaoke.  He was getting pissed because I wasn’t answering my phone anymore. Not getting online. Not being in his control.  I tried to break up with him while he was away but, he wouldn’t let me. He cried, and cried, and cried some more.  I told him I would think about things.  Then, I totaled my car.

When my car hit the wall, I just remember thinking I was gonna die. But I didn’t.  I woke up and had no idea where anything was.  My phone was on the passenger side floor so I grabbed it and dialed 911.  My phone died 4 seconds into the call.  Next thing I knew, there was a man knocking on my window telling me I needed to get out of the car, NOW.  Kind gentleman and a friend pryed the door open and helped me out.  They kept screaming my care was leaking fluid everywhere, so I immediately  thought of action movies where the cars are exploding.  Once I was out of the car, kind gentleman asked me if there was anyone I needed to call, and the only number I could think of was, his.

My dad picked me up from the hospital at 3am.  He seemed hurt that I had not called him first. I tried to explain to him at that time, that the only reason I could remember His number was because I felt it had been forced upon me. Dad didn’t say anything. 2 days later, He, drove into town.  I didn’t want him there. I was uncomfortable and felt unsafe the enitre week he was here.  He always wanted to “talk about our future.” But we had done that so many times and he never held up his end of the bargain.  He made me go to the bar 3 days after the accident.  Said it would be good for me.  No, it wasn’t.

Some good came out of the accident though.  The place I had currently been working at gave me a REALLY hard time about taking time off, so I needed a doctors note.  My PCP didn’t have anything for 3 weeks, and I had a couple friends working at the old PCP office I had been to years before. I was given an appt the next day.  My note was given, I was told there was an opening in the front office, and I put my application in right there.  He met everyone I knew there. He did not like Love very much.  I got the job.

He went back to his job in another state, and I went back to my old ways once I healed up. The day I met Love was at a The Walking Dead party.  Naturally, I was dressed as a zombie.  I remember thinking, “this guy could be trouble.”So I flirted a bit with him.  Little did I know, he knew the people I knew, and we ended up at Denny’s, sitting across from each other. We talked a bit, and I couldn’t help but be very attracted to him.

My thoughts were on Love for a few days.  Then I didn’t see Love for awhile.  A couple months later, we ran into each other at free comic book day. I think we were both dressed up.  I can’t remember because the only thing I remember from that day was how he looked.  Love was dressed as Jorelle from Superman.  I have photos from both of those days.  Thanks to a good friend who loves to take photos.  I got a facebook message that night..

 

Time for bed. Anxiety is better now. Maybe i’ll finish this story next time I am feeling anxious..

Theater Anxiety…

So I am not having a panic attack… yet but, I am going to the theater tonight to see Logan.  I have a panic attack every..single..time.  It’s like I get over stimulated and feel like I am trapped in a dark loud room with a bunch of strangers.  I don’t like that feeling at all and try to avoid going to the theater but, I also recognize that I MUST force myself out to do these kind of things.

It normally doesn’t start until the main movie starts, and like every other time, I end up having to leave and take a walk while the Xanax kicks in.  So my plan is to take half of a Xanax 30 mins prior to leaving for the movie, ordering a glass of wine, and kicking back with my feet up an try to pretend like it is my home.

Anyone else with this problem?  I am crazy…

Work flow..

Ah I do not know where this came from..

I have not been feeling well the past few days (fighting a cold) and I thought I was feeling better but apparently not.  Even being sick, I have still been going to bed at like 11pm which is WAY too late cause here I sit at my desk, tired and having anxiety.  Just had a ridiculously sharp pain in my groin area that made me literally spill some of my water it jolted me so hard.

Quarter of my 1mg xanax down the hatch.  I have not had an issue at work for what feels like a couple months now.  This has to be because I am overly tired.  I just want to close my eyes and lay in a quiet room for an hour or so.  That is usually what I do when I get home from work, but lately my routine has flown out the window and my body is going nuts.  It is craving that silent time alone.  But a little game called Final Fantasy XV has entered my life, and my brain tells my body to ignore those silly routines and habits.

The other thing that is bothering me is this whole election crap.  I voted Hillary.  I wasn’t a RADICAL supporter but I needed to pick one and I picked her.  Whereas my boyfriend and my Pops voted Trump.  At first when the election was over and Trump became President, I was disappointed and a little sad.  Now that is has been 2 months, I am over it.  There is NOTHING that can be done about it and there is NOTHING we can do to change it.  No amount of protests or crying, “NOT MY PRESIDENT!” is going to make him NOT the President.  I am losing FRIENDS over this garbage.  I can’t even make a JOKE around certain people anymore.  And no I am not the instigator when it comes to losing the friends.  I just simply don’t care anymore and apparently THAT is the most offensive thing I can do to them.  So here I am, stuck between keeping my mouth shut and letting them go, or wasting all my time and energy pretending to care about something I have no control over.

Oh great now my grumpy boss is more grumpy.

Heart rate…140.

8:48p  Oh thank fucking hell the holiday’s are over ….The house is almost done, I have a plan for 2017.  Downside, I fought with my best friend and we have agreed to part ways for awhile.  She and I are just two different people right now.  She has had years to figure out what she wants and who she wants to be, and she was successful.  I spent7 years, trapped in a bad relationship of my own doing, but now I have the capabilities of finally finding out who myself is as a woman in her 30’s.

I am having a panic attack currently.  My heart rate is 116 to 140, I feel like I am going to faint or throw up. My chest hurts but I know it is just my acid reflux. My lab work came back at very low risk for heart disease so I am trying to reassure myself that I am not dying as my anxiety tells me I am.  I took half a Xanax 20 mins ago. Waiting for it to kick in. I was just able to sit back on the couch. Hopefully I am calming down.

Back to the best friend. I am not going into details but, it was over something I feel is not really that big of a deal, but apparently had been building in her mind for awhile. I refused to take all the blame for everything that was said because I feel both of us were EXTREMELY drunk and it is all due to lack of communication. She feels I cannot be there emotionally enough for her and, I agree with her.

I have decided that next year is the year to REALLY get down to business.  I want to take an out of country trip to Cabo so that means starting with a passport, All inclusive package payed off by May for 20% discount, Plane tickets for the trip, spending money, and excursion fees.

I fucked up the HOA fees. I owe so much right now.  We put in for this office pool and it is draining us of $400 bucks a month which is basically draining us of grocery money, and spending money.  So I have sacrificed the HOA fees to eat and get gas.  and wine.  Plus it was Christmas and I just felt obligated to get gifts for certain people.

9:13p Calming down Heart rate 123 So with the HOA, I now have to focus on giving them 1 to 200 dollars a month to start paying them off.  In 2 years, I am supposed to re finance the house I live in to truly make it my own.  I am on the deed but technically my dad still owns it, I just pay for it and have rights to it.  So in order to do that, I will need to work on paying off some debt to improve my credit score.

To help with my credit, I am going to go try to lease to own furniture from RC Willey.  I can handle 45 a month for 2 couches and a recliner.  I would also like to improve a bit more on the home by replacing some old book cases, scratched coffee table, AND A SLEEP NUMBER BED. While helping with the credit by having good standing accounts, I will pay off the bad accounts.

So my main goal of 2017 is to be more responsible about the finances.  After finances comes physical activity.  I would like to lose the extra 30 pounds I have gained over the past 2 years, and also drink less and vape less.  Once the office pool is over, I can finally afford to go grocery shopping.  Getting back into my old routine of cleaning the house every Sunday, spot cleaning daily, cleaning cat boxes, exercising cooking dinner, showering, and still take an hour to read, color or whatever I want to do, is going to be hard work. Right now my amazing boyfriend does everything but clean the house.  That I still do… but when I feel like it.

9:30 heart rate 118 – feeling mmmmuuucccch more calm.  Just took 2nd half of xanax to prepare for bed.  My basic goals for 2017 are to become more organized and to find inner peace.  I just want to be comfortable, happy, and sexy. Not too much to ask.  And for the first time,  I have a partner who is on the same page, and supports all of these plans.

Signing off now. Tired and ready for bed. 9:13p heart rate 105.

 

 

Too, much..

I was thinking of Warm Bodies when I typed the title.

OMG.FUCK.I am NEVER renovating a house again. I always thought the HGTV shows were cool, and have spent hours on IMAGINING how awesome it would be…  THAT SHIT IS NOT REAL.  It has been week 2 of full renovation and I am going insane.

Anxiety and depression WAS some what under control until reality SMACKED me in the face.  And yes, I realize that some people may think that this is first world problems.. and it totally is so if you don’t care, don’t read further.

My roof leaked in JULY. It is 12/20/16 now and I have NO yule tree, NO decorations of any kind, A PARTY THAT HAS BEEN PLANNED SINCE BEFORE JULY, it looks like I just moved in , and it’s all thanks TO the roof leak and my damned HOA. That was my main reason for agreeing to $200 a month.  This roof cost over $13,000…that’s money I DEFINITELY do not have. So the HOA board had to meet to make a “decision” on my roof.  That almost did NOT go well.  I did have to fight so they wouldn’t skip my issue.  I fought through it in September and just had the work started to repair this month. My walls and ceiling have been missing since July to avoid mold, and to get rid of the asbestos.

Ah that half a xanax is kicking in finally… So the wood like tile I installed downstairs does NOT match kitchen tile and cabinets as I thought it would.  We painted the walls a dark grey in the kitchen and I am questioning if we need to paint them a more brownish color now.  The floors do not match because they are more of a grey with hints of brown in them, whereas my kitchen floors are B-R-O-W-N.  There is brown in the grey but in the store, it looked WAY more brown.  So ugh… I have to look at it and am already planning for future SMALL renovations.

Both levels of my house were in disarray and I had to sleep on the couch because it was dangerous to go up the stairs last night.  But NOW,the carpet is done upstairs and I get to sleep in peace. Until  my anxiety kicks in and reminds me that my bathroom floors are still plywood, and my roommates bathrooms toilet.. is almost in the hallway.  So they have to use the downstairs bathroom to pee and that sucks. I am literally praying to whatever god there is to PLEASE,have the downstairs done on time with extra time to spare to put all my furniture back in place and decorate for xmas. Is that alot to ask in 2 days? lol of course it is..A one week job has turned into 2, which will probably have to be fully finished after Christmas. I JUST WANT the downstairs done.

So I guess that’s all. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and I just want my routine back..

 

 

Panic..

Alright it is finally happening.  I’ve had too much and kept it in for too long.  I have had some wine and a hit of weed and I finally let shit take me over.  My fucking house has been under pending renovation for like 4 months.  I have not had most a of a ceiling or walls for that long as well.  This was all due to an HOA roof issue.  My HOA covers my roof so I had to WAIT for them to approve a roof repair.  The leak of my roof happened in July. It is now December and there are people in my house that I have not met, and am relying on my out of town pops and room mates to know EXACTLY what I want in my head.

My job does not allow me to just “run home if needed.”  I am out of sick, out of vacation time and cannot receive FMLA for fucking home repair.  Knowing there are people making repairs to my house without me there is KILLING ME.  Love my bf to death for asking me to mark out with sharpie where I wanted lighting and colors etc.  I need that so bad.

Being high reminds me of my previous relationship that was so mentally abuse, and by the end of it, physical.  I LOVE weed.  I smoked it from 16 to 23. Morning, noon, and night. 23 was the downfall of my previous 7 year relationship,and that is when the panic sank in… hard.

Being high 9 years ago was just fucking awful.  My ex  bf was always getting high off meth or crack, or whatever the fuck he was into a the time.  Smoking weed back then was only exacerbating the deep rooted feelings I already had.  So I stopped cheifing, and turned to alcohol instead.  WINE in particular.

Now that I have the lexapro and I seemed to have pretty much evened out,  this is only my 2nd panic attack since October.  Not bad considering they were up to  2 times daily.  I dunno.. I am just messed up some days.  I want nothing more than to sit down for like 2 months straight and dive into Final Fantasy XV like I used to do when I was 18.  But I can not because of my mortgage, bills, cars, etc to take care of.  I spent 120 bucks today on a fucking limited edition game, and  hardback strategy guide. God only knows when I am gonna have the time to sit down and invest 160 hours of gameplay.  I do not know how PARENTS live. Especially parents MY AGE.

I am 31 and could not imagine having to be responsible for a child.  I can barely figure out what to watch on netflix, know when I am drunk, and when not to smoke weed. And the fact that my attention and money goes towards a game, TV, credit, and cats.. So never ,nor will I ever be ok and ready for kids.

I took half a xanax before I started writing this..  Just took another hit of weed cause I feel better…

Watching Harry Potter with my biological dad. I met him when I was 24. He left when I was born because my CRAZY MOTHER told him she was not able to have kids….

But the MOM story…. That is another post for another time.  When I have like 4 hours o type it all out.  I have this thing called work tomorrow in the am…Most of my friends STILL at 30 are going, “work at 7am? whhhattt the fuck thats so early! But still come out till midnight at least! you will still get 6 hours sleep”  naw bitch. too tired…