Work flow..

Ah I do not know where this came from..

I have not been feeling well the past few days (fighting a cold) and I thought I was feeling better but apparently not.  Even being sick, I have still been going to bed at like 11pm which is WAY too late cause here I sit at my desk, tired and having anxiety.  Just had a ridiculously sharp pain in my groin area that made me literally spill some of my water it jolted me so hard.

Quarter of my 1mg xanax down the hatch.  I have not had an issue at work for what feels like a couple months now.  This has to be because I am overly tired.  I just want to close my eyes and lay in a quiet room for an hour or so.  That is usually what I do when I get home from work, but lately my routine has flown out the window and my body is going nuts.  It is craving that silent time alone.  But a little game called Final Fantasy XV has entered my life, and my brain tells my body to ignore those silly routines and habits.

The other thing that is bothering me is this whole election crap.  I voted Hillary.  I wasn’t a RADICAL supporter but I needed to pick one and I picked her.  Whereas my boyfriend and my Pops voted Trump.  At first when the election was over and Trump became President, I was disappointed and a little sad.  Now that is has been 2 months, I am over it.  There is NOTHING that can be done about it and there is NOTHING we can do to change it.  No amount of protests or crying, “NOT MY PRESIDENT!” is going to make him NOT the President.  I am losing FRIENDS over this garbage.  I can’t even make a JOKE around certain people anymore.  And no I am not the instigator when it comes to losing the friends.  I just simply don’t care anymore and apparently THAT is the most offensive thing I can do to them.  So here I am, stuck between keeping my mouth shut and letting them go, or wasting all my time and energy pretending to care about something I have no control over.

Oh great now my grumpy boss is more grumpy.

Heart rate…140.

8:48p  Oh thank fucking hell the holiday’s are over ….The house is almost done, I have a plan for 2017.  Downside, I fought with my best friend and we have agreed to part ways for awhile.  She and I are just two different people right now.  She has had years to figure out what she wants and who she wants to be, and she was successful.  I spent7 years, trapped in a bad relationship of my own doing, but now I have the capabilities of finally finding out who myself is as a woman in her 30’s.

I am having a panic attack currently.  My heart rate is 116 to 140, I feel like I am going to faint or throw up. My chest hurts but I know it is just my acid reflux. My lab work came back at very low risk for heart disease so I am trying to reassure myself that I am not dying as my anxiety tells me I am.  I took half a Xanax 20 mins ago. Waiting for it to kick in. I was just able to sit back on the couch. Hopefully I am calming down.

Back to the best friend. I am not going into details but, it was over something I feel is not really that big of a deal, but apparently had been building in her mind for awhile. I refused to take all the blame for everything that was said because I feel both of us were EXTREMELY drunk and it is all due to lack of communication. She feels I cannot be there emotionally enough for her and, I agree with her.

I have decided that next year is the year to REALLY get down to business.  I want to take an out of country trip to Cabo so that means starting with a passport, All inclusive package payed off by May for 20% discount, Plane tickets for the trip, spending money, and excursion fees.

I fucked up the HOA fees. I owe so much right now.  We put in for this office pool and it is draining us of $400 bucks a month which is basically draining us of grocery money, and spending money.  So I have sacrificed the HOA fees to eat and get gas.  and wine.  Plus it was Christmas and I just felt obligated to get gifts for certain people.

9:13p Calming down Heart rate 123 So with the HOA, I now have to focus on giving them 1 to 200 dollars a month to start paying them off.  In 2 years, I am supposed to re finance the house I live in to truly make it my own.  I am on the deed but technically my dad still owns it, I just pay for it and have rights to it.  So in order to do that, I will need to work on paying off some debt to improve my credit score.

To help with my credit, I am going to go try to lease to own furniture from RC Willey.  I can handle 45 a month for 2 couches and a recliner.  I would also like to improve a bit more on the home by replacing some old book cases, scratched coffee table, AND A SLEEP NUMBER BED. While helping with the credit by having good standing accounts, I will pay off the bad accounts.

So my main goal of 2017 is to be more responsible about the finances.  After finances comes physical activity.  I would like to lose the extra 30 pounds I have gained over the past 2 years, and also drink less and vape less.  Once the office pool is over, I can finally afford to go grocery shopping.  Getting back into my old routine of cleaning the house every Sunday, spot cleaning daily, cleaning cat boxes, exercising cooking dinner, showering, and still take an hour to read, color or whatever I want to do, is going to be hard work. Right now my amazing boyfriend does everything but clean the house.  That I still do… but when I feel like it.

9:30 heart rate 118 – feeling mmmmuuucccch more calm.  Just took 2nd half of xanax to prepare for bed.  My basic goals for 2017 are to become more organized and to find inner peace.  I just want to be comfortable, happy, and sexy. Not too much to ask.  And for the first time,  I have a partner who is on the same page, and supports all of these plans.

Signing off now. Tired and ready for bed. 9:13p heart rate 105.

 

 

Too, much..

I was thinking of Warm Bodies when I typed the title.

OMG.FUCK.I am NEVER renovating a house again. I always thought the HGTV shows were cool, and have spent hours on IMAGINING how awesome it would be…  THAT SHIT IS NOT REAL.  It has been week 2 of full renovation and I am going insane.

Anxiety and depression WAS some what under control until reality SMACKED me in the face.  And yes, I realize that some people may think that this is first world problems.. and it totally is so if you don’t care, don’t read further.

My roof leaked in JULY. It is 12/20/16 now and I have NO yule tree, NO decorations of any kind, A PARTY THAT HAS BEEN PLANNED SINCE BEFORE JULY, it looks like I just moved in , and it’s all thanks TO the roof leak and my damned HOA. That was my main reason for agreeing to $200 a month.  This roof cost over $13,000…that’s money I DEFINITELY do not have. So the HOA board had to meet to make a “decision” on my roof.  That almost did NOT go well.  I did have to fight so they wouldn’t skip my issue.  I fought through it in September and just had the work started to repair this month. My walls and ceiling have been missing since July to avoid mold, and to get rid of the asbestos.

Ah that half a xanax is kicking in finally… So the wood like tile I installed downstairs does NOT match kitchen tile and cabinets as I thought it would.  We painted the walls a dark grey in the kitchen and I am questioning if we need to paint them a more brownish color now.  The floors do not match because they are more of a grey with hints of brown in them, whereas my kitchen floors are B-R-O-W-N.  There is brown in the grey but in the store, it looked WAY more brown.  So ugh… I have to look at it and am already planning for future SMALL renovations.

Both levels of my house were in disarray and I had to sleep on the couch because it was dangerous to go up the stairs last night.  But NOW,the carpet is done upstairs and I get to sleep in peace. Until  my anxiety kicks in and reminds me that my bathroom floors are still plywood, and my roommates bathrooms toilet.. is almost in the hallway.  So they have to use the downstairs bathroom to pee and that sucks. I am literally praying to whatever god there is to PLEASE,have the downstairs done on time with extra time to spare to put all my furniture back in place and decorate for xmas. Is that alot to ask in 2 days? lol of course it is..A one week job has turned into 2, which will probably have to be fully finished after Christmas. I JUST WANT the downstairs done.

So I guess that’s all. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and I just want my routine back..

 

 

Panic..

Alright it is finally happening.  I’ve had too much and kept it in for too long.  I have had some wine and a hit of weed and I finally let shit take me over.  My fucking house has been under pending renovation for like 4 months.  I have not had most a of a ceiling or walls for that long as well.  This was all due to an HOA roof issue.  My HOA covers my roof so I had to WAIT for them to approve a roof repair.  The leak of my roof happened in July. It is now December and there are people in my house that I have not met, and am relying on my out of town pops and room mates to know EXACTLY what I want in my head.

My job does not allow me to just “run home if needed.”  I am out of sick, out of vacation time and cannot receive FMLA for fucking home repair.  Knowing there are people making repairs to my house without me there is KILLING ME.  Love my bf to death for asking me to mark out with sharpie where I wanted lighting and colors etc.  I need that so bad.

Being high reminds me of my previous relationship that was so mentally abuse, and by the end of it, physical.  I LOVE weed.  I smoked it from 16 to 23. Morning, noon, and night. 23 was the downfall of my previous 7 year relationship,and that is when the panic sank in… hard.

Being high 9 years ago was just fucking awful.  My ex  bf was always getting high off meth or crack, or whatever the fuck he was into a the time.  Smoking weed back then was only exacerbating the deep rooted feelings I already had.  So I stopped cheifing, and turned to alcohol instead.  WINE in particular.

Now that I have the lexapro and I seemed to have pretty much evened out,  this is only my 2nd panic attack since October.  Not bad considering they were up to  2 times daily.  I dunno.. I am just messed up some days.  I want nothing more than to sit down for like 2 months straight and dive into Final Fantasy XV like I used to do when I was 18.  But I can not because of my mortgage, bills, cars, etc to take care of.  I spent 120 bucks today on a fucking limited edition game, and  hardback strategy guide. God only knows when I am gonna have the time to sit down and invest 160 hours of gameplay.  I do not know how PARENTS live. Especially parents MY AGE.

I am 31 and could not imagine having to be responsible for a child.  I can barely figure out what to watch on netflix, know when I am drunk, and when not to smoke weed. And the fact that my attention and money goes towards a game, TV, credit, and cats.. So never ,nor will I ever be ok and ready for kids.

I took half a xanax before I started writing this..  Just took another hit of weed cause I feel better…

Watching Harry Potter with my biological dad. I met him when I was 24. He left when I was born because my CRAZY MOTHER told him she was not able to have kids….

But the MOM story…. That is another post for another time.  When I have like 4 hours o type it all out.  I have this thing called work tomorrow in the am…Most of my friends STILL at 30 are going, “work at 7am? whhhattt the fuck thats so early! But still come out till midnight at least! you will still get 6 hours sleep”  naw bitch. too tired…

 

Dreams..

Last night was just a fucking night of nightmares.  First of all I smoked a little weed last night which felt great so, I decided to try astral projection guided meditation.  I had my amethyst and crystal with me and felt secure.  Quick little background, when I was younger, I was very clairvoyant and empathetic.  Over the years I have suppressed those abilities due to being told it was weird or doesn’t really exist.  Before I started taking the Lexapro, I tried EVERYTHING I could to help my anxiety.  Meditation was my first attempt and all it did was open me back up to the clairvoyance.  I began having nightmares every single night that would stick in my brain all day and bring me down.  So now that my brain is a little more even, I thought I would try it again… mistake.

My dreams last night were full of my boyfriend and I being sick together in a hospital.  He was there for his digestive issues and I was there for my mental health issues.  We were in the same bed, but I was restrained and he was asleep from the pain meds.  At some point I was released and walked around what looked like an old asylum.  One of the other patients must have tried to escape or something because suddenly machine guns started firing as I ducked for cover.  After being almost buried alive by debris, I crawled my way out to find my boyfriend standing with a group of guys perfectly healthy.  He laughed at me and asked what my crazy ass was doing under all the garbage.  That is when my alarm went off.

Doesn’t sound scary but it was in my head.  The idea of an asylum.. no thanks.  Whenever I get a panic attack, that idea is what makes me panic more.  I feel like as I am pacing around my room twirling my hair, an asylum is where I am headed if anyone were to walk in on me like that.  But I have not had an anxiety attack for some time now. THANK GOD.

Anyway.. Just rantings from my mind.

Up to 10mg of Lexapro..

Well last night was the first night I took the full 10mg of Lexapro. I have been at five and one half for a month or two, and last night I realized that it IS helping ALOT.  Might as well bump it up to the full amount.  This morning I feel a little dizzy and a bit anxious but, I also got my period today and had 3 glasses of wine last night.  Plus I cannot decide if I have allergies or if I am getting sick.  I wake up everyday with watery eyes and nose running with mild congestion.  Little excessive yawning on the full 10mg.  I know that will pass though.  Happened when I first started taking it as well.

With the holidays upon me,  I am starting to stress a little bit about finances and gifts.  I am keeping the gifts to only those I feel obligated to.  Dad, Pop, boyfriend, best friend, and secret Santa.  My roof has finally been repaired after waiting 5 months for the fucking HOA to make a determination about it so construction will begin on the interior of my house Monday.  So that’s fun, but also stressful because I now have to spend my 4 day weekend packing and prepping the house.  Which of course I will not get any help at all from my boyfriend because as he says, “It’s all your shit anyway.”  So I will be busy while he sits and smokes pot all day playing Call of Duty. He is not a bad boyfriend so don’t take it that way.  He just is who he is.  He will help me move heavy boxes if I ask him.

It must be from the PMS but I have been extremely confrontational and angry the past few days.  I am going facebook dark for awhile as all I am doing is instigating shit and that is NOT me at all.  I usually avoid confrontation like a plague.  I have been taking it out on the bf the most.  It is easy to take it out on him when we work and live together.  I hope he does go to California for 14 weeks next year for some master grower class.  We could use a break for awhile.  I love him and all but even I am getting tired of seeing him 24 hours a day.

Random thoughts for the morning.

First anxiety blog

Mainly this blog will be to unleash my anxiety.  This is something I have suffered from for years and as the holidays approach, it gets worse.  The fact that I drink wine every single night while taking Lexapro and Xanax probably does not help.  I know this, but not only do I have a family history of alcoholism, I feel that I may be one myself.  Currently I am drinking 3-4 glasses of wine per night, and up to 6 or 7 on my days off.  No I do not drink before or during work.

Yesterday I had a cup of coffee which for me is a terrible thing to do.  Especially because I was so hung over Sunday,  I couldn’t even stomach the idea of a glass wine.  So Halloween day was not a fun one as I felt anxious and possible feeling effects of alcohol withdrawal.  I had 4 or 5 glasses of wine last night between 5pm and 9:30pm.  This morning I am still feeling anxious, and tired, and possibly a little hungover.  I can’t tell anymore.

I just ate a banana and already feel a little better.  Best food to eat when feeling hungover.  My anxiety has subsided a bit for now.  Unfortunately I have a health anxiety issue as well so when a muscle twitches, my mind tells me I am dying of something.  I check my pulse regularly as I have a high resting heart rate generally around 95 to 100.  When I exercise or have a full panic attack, it can increase as high as 180.  My doctor says that is normal during an anxiety attack, but for exercise that is not good.  So I stopped exercising.

Anxiety for me goes in cycles.  I could be fine for a month and then spiral for another 2.  My biggest complaint about my anxiety is the social aspect of it.  I can’t even go to the movie theater without taking Xanax or drinking prior.  I do force myself to do things and sometimes I have no problems and other times I do.  Vicious cycle I cannot seem to break…

I seem to be feeling better so I am going to end this here.  I have alot in my head but am at work and needed to release.  If I didn’t, I would just sit here thinking about everything instead of working.  I am one of the few people who like their job so, off I go.